The Beautiful Life

I Shall Love You

Not because I have to, but because what else could my response be to such a love as this?

On Motherhood

Just thinking quietly to myself today…

“What kind of mother do I want to be?”
“What kind of wife do I want to be?”
“What can I do really well?”
“What can I let go of?”
“What is my purpose in this moment?”

Thinking…

Grow

It’s a new year and I’ve been thinking a lot about life and what I want to get out of this whole thing. I have a choice–I can keep going on as usual, getting distracted by the day-to-day drudgery, unable to see the gifts and getting disillusioned by the American dream. Or I can choose something better–to take a risk, to place all my eggs in one basket, to choose to live deliberately, like every choice, every action, every prayer makes a difference.

I’ve been inspired by this post by Randy:

In the next twelve months, I want to believe for more than I believed for in 2009. I want to reach harder and burn hotter than I did in 2009. Should someone want to write my story at the end of my days, I want them to stare at January 1, 2010 wondering “What in God’s name happened to him then?’

That’s what I want from this coming year. To give myself fully to living out this life that I’ve been given, whatever that looks like, whatever it takes, I don’t want to look back and have any regrets. I don’t want this life to go to waste.

The Offence of Grace

Note: I wrote this a couple of months ago, and never posted it. Maybe it will speak to you today.

Yesterday I did something really dumb. And I couldn’t fix it myself. I’m so used to being the “super mom”, the one who saves the day. I fix broken toys, broken bodies, broken hearts. It’s my job. But yesterday, I couldn’t fix it. I was dependent on someone else to do it for me. I had to admit that I made a mistake and then wait for it to be fixed. Just wait. I kept being tempted to try to make it better, but knowing that whatever I tried to do would only make things worse. And she wasn’t even mad at me. I wanted her to say, “boy, you sure screwed up.” That’s what I deserved. But she didn’t. She gave me grace. And perspective.

Isn’t it the same with Christ? We screw up. We fall short. We make mistakes. And then we try to fix it ourselves, all the while, making a muddle of everything. And then we have a choice, we can continue on in this mess, “getting what we deserve,” or we can accept that we can’t fix it. Only Jesus can take away my sin, make me clean, change my heart, make things new. It’s offensive, this grace. It’s hard to say, “I give up, I’m at Your mercy, I can’t do it myself.”

He’s not surprised when we fall short. He knew what we were like when He chose us. So we should not be ashamed to come to Him, to crawl into His lap and say, “Abba, I can’t…only You can…” And then He does. He delights in restoring and healing and making new, because He loves us.

So even if it’s offensive, let’s choose grace. Give grace to everyone you know, and receive it from the One who gave up everything for you. It’s so much better this way.

Homeschool Mental Health Day

To say it’s been a stressful few weeks is an understatement. We’ve lost loved ones, dealt with job stress, strained relationships, unexpected house repairs, all while God is working on our hearts and preparing us to make some changes. As I write this, my husband is attending an out-of-state funeral for his grandpa, the third grandparent he has lost in two months.

Today, I woke up with a massive to-do list, needing to make preparations for receiving my mother-in-law tonight, homeschool with the kids and get caught up on the things that I let slide over the weekend. Good thing my to-do list is on a dry-erase board!

Instead of struggling out of bed, I went back to sleep. The kids got their own breakfast and let me rest. Nice. After I got up and started laundry, I decided we needed to just take the day off from business as usual. We needed some time for our bodies and minds to recuperate. So without further ado, here is how to have a “mental health day” while still homeschooling.

1. Close the curtains so none of your neighbors sees the chaos in your living room. This step is really easy if you still haven’t opened the curtains from last night. Admire the sunlight streaming through cheap cotton. Science, check.

2. Let your kids go crazy with the playdough. Have them find every tiny plastic toy in your house and dump it on the table. Art, check.

3. While you’ve got out the playdough, encourage 5th-century-barbarian-attack re-enactments with Polly Pockets, knights and some plastic army guys. History, check.

4. Rummage through the refrigerator and see what you can come up with for lunch in under 30 seconds. Decide on pepperoni, cheddar cheese and crackers. Justify it by remembering that these crackers are ORGANIC. Sprint up the stairs with three plates to hungry, waiting children. Watch as children jump up and down with excitement about eating pepperoni on a plate. Physical education, check.

5. Let children eat “lunch” in laundry closet. Give them two flashlights and some blankets and let them go to town. Admire their ability at so quickly figuring out how to fit three people in such a small space. Math, check.

6. Set out small pile of reading material, choosing books with colorful covers, where possible. Take a picture of it, because it looks so pretty all stacked up on the counter. Decide it looks too nice to mess with and read aloud from a couple of library books instead. Reading, check.

7. Survey the mess that is now your house, and decide that you still have 5 hours before anyone can possibly show up at your front door. Pour a cup of hot tea, send the kids off to quiet time and go hide out with a book.

Happiness, check.

Humbled

Today I am feeling humbled; stopped in my tracks. Reading Ann’s words and knowing them to be true, but not wanting to let go of the way things have been. How often have I seen my worth in my long to-do list? My caught-up laundry? My perfectly organized house? Lord, teach me to value the things unseen. Forgive me for making idols out of habits, for rearranging priorities that I had no right to touch. What does it all matter, if I don’t first love? No one is going to be drawn to You because my house is tidy. They are drawn by love. Do I make time for love? Do I make room for it? Do I?

Project 52–Week 39

In the last couple of weeks, I’ve taken up scribing. I’ve been wanting to make His words more a part of my everyday life and, as someone who always has a pen in hand, this simple but powerful act just makes sense. I’ve started with my favorite book, Revelation, and am slowly working my way through, pausing to breathe in His words and carefully scratching them out onto paper. It’s fitting really, since we’ve been talking about scribes in school this past week, and although I don’t write as beautifully as those monks did, the words still shine.

Eyes to See

We bought the kids each a magnifying glass for nature study this year. It’s our first day and they have been playing with them for the last two hours and are currently on a bug hunt. Today we’ve seen: a fly, a mosquito, a jumping spider, a wolf spider, ants, a grasshopper, a beetle and an inchworm. It’s funny how that stuff is always there, but you don’t notice it because you aren’t looking…(well, except for the mosquitoes). Isn’t that how it is with God?

Making Room

As we’ve been cutting back and learning to live on less, I’ve been expecting it to be hard. And sometimes it is. I can’t just go out and buy anything I want anymore. I have to say “no.” I was prepared for that. What I wasn’t prepared for were the ways that God would continually surprise me by stepping in and giving me whatever I had thought I was going to have to do without. I thought I was just putting our family on a budget, but what I was really doing was making room for God to move in my life and for me to be humble enough to see it happen. In this living without, I am learning that God is more than enough. In the big, scary, life-changing moments, He is more than enough. In the day to day struggles, He is more than enough. In good times and bad, in sickness and in health, until He returns or calls me home. How He loves me.

Not So Fast

I grew up in a little white farmhouse in the country, where it took 30 minutes to get to the grocery store but 30 seconds to get to the backyard garden. Where swimming pools were a once-a-year treat, but creeks and ponds were every day. Looking back, life was blissfully slow. Although I didn’t always appreciate it then, I am really grateful now. In the midst of driving all over town for ballet lessons, worship meetings, prayer meetings, grocery shopping, playdates, etc., sometimes I just want to go squish my toes in some mud and lay down in the grass and watch the clouds.

The pace of life can get out of hand sometimes and it can be hard to say “no,” especially when those things are good. But over the last couple of years, I’ve started saying “no,” and in the saying “no” to the things that make me feel frazzled and busy, I’ve found time to say “yes” to the things that refresh and renew. I can say “yes” to a prayer time early in the morning. I can say “yes” to a rainy morning of stories and games and giggles. I can say “yes” to taking a long walk with my husband on our date night. I can say “yes” to a friend who unexpectedly drops by. I’m learning to slow down and listen, to connect and re-connect, to breathe, to wonder, to live.

Interested in learning how to live the slow life? I’m giving away a copy of Ann Kroeker’s new book, Not So Fast. Comment here or on Facebook to be entered to win (US residents only, please). Don’t forget to check out her companion site, Not So Fast, for more tips and articles, and you read my previous posts on slowing down here.

*Photos from my grandparents’ (now dad’s) farm, where I spent many slow summer afternoons.